I am the victim! Perhaps you have already talked about divorce. Plus, it paints the whole sub as unified in these beliefs to new users and they may end up scared off. The more physical evidence you have, the better chance you have at obtaining custody for your children. I was not yet over the 2nd guy. Their highs are absolutes, their lows are absolutes. This is normal and is often interpreted as “Fleas.”. despite him not being my type at all. Write this down and keep it somewhere safe as a reminder for future relationships. But I just didn’t see it! My dating life doesn't make any sense. With time however, it’s eventually time to move on. Warning: Your BPDSO will sense that you’re separating and improving. When it comes to handling a break-up, many people say that “women break up harder, but men break up longer.” In other words, women typically engage in an emotional grieving process right after the breakup, whereas men initially stuff their feelings down and procrastinate on healing. I recognize I played an equal role by enabling her through my codependency. How NOT to Break Up With Someone #1: A Text Let’s establish something about texting: it’s the lowest and laziest form of communication. If you see things that need changing, please let me know! False accusations of rape, stalking, stealing, threatening, fabrication, blackmail, and a myriad of other consequences could happen from their end. and that it unfortunately didn't come back with me even tho he cared a lot about me. She's just "doing a favor for you.". Also, must read the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline". This alone could start that myriad of consequences mentioned above. As for guys dumpers, they start to miss you when they realize their life isn’t getting any better without you. I still pushed for couples therapy. You may still feel anger towards your BPDex, however you’ll find it slowly goes away as time passes. Anyways, i did not want to give him power to hurt me in anyway again, so I decided to not respond. I'm in no way an expert on this matter. You need legal defense and character witnesses who can protect you. They may still find ways to hoover you back in, or make you want to be with them again. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. The Truth About Guys Behavior After Breakup and How They Move On. You’re coming out of a difficult situation. You need to talk through your issues with your therapist and ensure that you’re taking care of yourself. MrsM - mod. She's a very sweet girl and not afraid to speak of her diagnosis/constant self improvement. I can understand why this post might upset you. However, they’ll always have this disorder regardless. THANK YOU. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice. Creepy people is that they are somehow trying to dominate others through their behavior. Remember that lawyer? This doesn’t make their behavior acceptable. Remember what your values are, and remember what you’re worth. A check in 2 months after a break up seemed a little strange. Or that this love is far more consistent. I grew up with a lot of self esteem and trust issues because I was always considered as the ugly duckling, both in my family and at school. As a pwBPD yourself I'm sure you understand that it's difficult for nons who are codependent to leave these types of relationships. This very confusing behavior turns my head upside down. On your part, it’s going to take therapy and self-evaluation. This means that you’ll need to remember who you were before the relationship. Your second ex was doomed from the start because y'all met in a party rather than by friends or in something you both enjoyed (such as a hobby, as partying isn't rlly common ground as everything else personality wise could be vastly different). You have to be comfortable with the fact that they may leave you at any moment. The only solution to their disorder is self-acceptance of their disorder, and intense, continued, long term therapy consisting of DBT and evidence based results. Remember that support group? Unless you have proof of her actions, nobody is going to believe you. Remember, this is your choice and you are entitled to a divorce even if they don’t want that. Making the decision to let go is going to be one of the most challenging, but relieving, actions you’ll take for your relationship. CoDA: Codependents Anonymous. Let’s start with a look into how your BPDSO thinks. That means from a mental, obvious, and circumstantial standpoint, the girl is at the disadvantage. Literally nothing is too crazy for them to do. I’ve divided this into two sections. We both introduce each other to our respective families. the situation didn't bother me because even if I started to like him a little, he was not my time and I couldn't see him as boyfriend material (seems mutual). That’s up to you to decide. You were a big inspiration for writing this. I need your help to make this guide correct. Ask yourself if your BPDSO exhibits any, or most of these tendencies towards you. Many of us will tell you it’s not. It’s important to recognize that all of this is not a personal vendetta against you as a human. There is no medication that will fix them. So I tried to make him understand my pain – only to make things worse. ), http://freeintenyears.com/frugal-tips/100-cheap-hobbies/, https://www.therapistlocator.net/iMIS15/therapistlocator/, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline (Thanks to /u/cookieredditor for this. How could this guide be changed to be less absolute and more welcoming to all users? Do not underestimate their ability to royally fuck you up. Many can probably conjure up some really positive memories. And then they take the "easier" route and then fail because they think they know more about their own gender than they do about the other, when really they don't know much about dating at all. Now even the fact that I received so many phone calls made sense. If you’ve made the decision to break-up or divorce, there’s a few things that need to be addressed before doing so. Reading your stories helped me grasp that a breakup with a pwBPD isn't just a normal walk in the park. Thanks so much for putting this together! Can you explain how you met your first boyfriend? Anyway, after the suggestion of abuse I googled and counted the items in the list above. It was the very first corona lockdown and I was alone with one of my male flatmate. -I remember finally telling my friends what was going on and everyone telling me I wasn't this worthless human being. You have done nothing wrong. Successfully holding a long term relationship with a pwBPD takes years of therapy on their part, and serious self-awareness. Going from living behind steel barricades in a spare bedroom to my own house was a crazy transition. he then told me that after his first girlfriend, he basically lost the ability to love and be sexual. We are working on putting together some things for the new year and will certainly consider this as an addition. It’s extremely important to recognize that breakups with a pwBPD don’t function like a normal relationship. Likely, you have some amazing times together. Except from the 2nd guy to which I really didn't have much in common, you were right. This will be especially important in the aftermath. As you move past the initial shock of a breakup, you'll find that it gets easier to reflect on its role in your life. They’re struggling with a personality disorder. They've read the links in the BPD Survival Guide, gone through extensive couples therapy, practiced SET techniques, and generally done all they can to support what they now recognize as a failed relationship. You’ve likely had thoughts that maybe if you could love them more or if they would just get on medication/therapy that THEN this negative behavior would stop. For anybody starting to come out of the FOG, I am in definitely in the moving forward phase and it's not just a fantasy or a dream. Direct support, personal anecdotes, et al., yes, but let's not pretend to be experts. After the break up she was communicating with me almost everyday for a weak which gave me some weird hopes but by the end of it, she stopped. we both experienced a recent break up and ended up hooking up. Press J to jump to the feed. "When you're with somebody your brain releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine. Remember, you are cutting contact for yourself. But all of a sudden, there he is. He was a little like my first boyfriend in terms of being caring and adorable. Go walk around your apartment naked without fear of being assaulted. They may take it well, or they may go off the handle. As with my flatmate, we also became super friend and did pretty much everything together (including hooking up). Don't tast, touch, see, hear or smell him or you will lose that tension building separation anxiety. It’s important to remember what you’ve learned from this era of self-improvement. Just like my first love, he was super caring. Sometimes, guys’ behavior after a breakup is so transparent. I don't think this a pride issue on her part, I genuinely feel that they just don't know. You may feel trapped, feeling that they might undergo more harm if you were to initiate a divorce. Her pride is really up there. Do not take any of the above advice as being “too drastic.” None of us thought our BPDSO would do any of the things they did after our breakup/divorce. You likely don’t realize just how much damage has been done. Coupled with all of this is a constant feeling that they’re not good enough. They start to ask themselves ”Why do they stay with me? Codependency: A damaging psychological disorder typically demonstrated from people in, or formerly apart of abusive relationships. Personally, I'd recommend making more friends whom you might see as dating material, and some who aren't. You may logically know that they’re a bad fit for you, but emotionally want them back. That’s a hard pill to swallow. Your mental health should be a priority. ecaj. This isn’t going to be easy to do in any manner. Please keep the rules of r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. You’re no longer held down by the deadweight of a person who can’t support you or encourage you. Many lack self-awareness and are physically unable to see how they have harmed those around them. Some of the information below won’t apply to you. Think back to your early childhood. She is sticking to the no contact rule until you are ready to be all in. although he was a free spirited guy who didn't necessarily wanted to spend that much time together. You make a valid point that we will bear in mind. pwBPD: Person with Borderline Personality Disorder, BPDSO: Borderline Personality Disorder Significant Other, uBPD: Undiagnosed [person with] Borderline Personality Disorder, FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Though friends and family can be a great source of support during a breakup, it's okay to seek out the help of a licensed therapist or other mental health professional. I had limited experience with my pwBPD. Every second of it. You have to be okay being in a relationship that you get nothing out of. Because this creates a conflict of interest; you both don't like each other, you both hooked up, and you both are flatmates who need to act kind in order to not be assholes. Work on closing joint accounts when the time is closer to announcing divorce and do all you can to ensure they don’t have access to any large amount of money. This is especially true if you were the one that was broken up with. Many of you had years of pain, and many complications that I never had to deal with nor can understand. You need this time to move on from them. In short, pwBPD do not know who they are. Their actions will often times not make sense. Thank you for your constant support and insight here. Bad bathing habits can make behavior that would be otherwise socially acceptable into a creepy act. They may go on impulsive spending sprees in an order to feel good about themselves. She likely is thinking something like "Oh, THEY'RE worried? I have been studying guys’ post-breakup behavior for a while now and I believe I’ve come to the conclusion. Being broken up with can be just as difficult as having to be the one to make the decision, if not more. You’ve seen this with your spouse/SO and you know that behind closed doors their actions are far different. Whoever you are, we’re glad you’re here. That takes a man of real emotional strength. Financially, it would be wise to start developing a personal savings. This section generally applies to those who are undiagnosed and not self aware of their illness. Be sure to have as many of your possessions packed up and even moved out already, so they don’t have further leverage against you in order to force you to stay. The second is for those who aren’t, and inclusive in both is advice helpful to all parties regardless. ", This is where SET techniques come in handy. Be loving, but firm, in the way you present your decision. Eventually, a time will come where you’ll meet new people. How could this person that you love so much be abusing you? They may call you names, say things that aren’t true, or self-harm. If coming out of a long relationship with a pwBPD, it’s still important to have evidence to protect yourself incase false accusations are made against you. If you were rational and logical you wouldn't have BPD. Sure. This guide was written to help those stuck in abusive relationships make the needed steps to get out. The more that you live off of your emotion, the more control they have over you. although he was a free spirited guy who didn't necessarily wanted to spend that much time together. This guide is written for you if you genuinely feel that you've tried everything and there's just no hope. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. As you develop, you begin to develop emotional coping skills. Likely, you can assume that you’re in an abusive relationship after reading this list. Been with him for 2.5 years. Sadly, they only know absolutes, and their emotions can change like the wind on an autumn day. Like a parrot, they’ll repeat the actions of those they see hoping that eventually it’s the right action. Is this the kind of relationship you want to fight for? They may call the police on you for false reasons only to get their way. This guide is for those that have tried everything in their power to make it work. I could think of examples for 16/21. The only exception should be to further support your court case. The reaction of your pwBPD can vary. This advice doesn’t come from a heart of anger, but rather, experience. You may have trouble trusting that you’ll ever function in a relationship again. If it's urgent, send us a message. A part of you feels that you can still make things work. They only cared for you cause it was the right thing to do snd they saw you like a friend. Reply June 30, 2016, 1:38 pm. I don't have much more to write in reference to those years, but occasionally I'm reminded of it as someone describes their own poisonous current/past relationships. Don't they get that I'M struggling??? Life is an amazing experience, and it’s meant to be lived. My first boyfriend was very caring. This rocks. The day after the breakup I freaked out because I wasn't answering the phone quick enough - til I was reminded I didn't have to anymore. They may see you as the perfect significant other in one moment, and treat you as less than dirt a few hours later. This is where the true colors of your BPDSO will ultimately come out. The result of that is not stronger men, but men afflicted with the effects of not intentionally feeling, accounting for, and dealing with, this type of emotional pain. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. If neither are interested both a) stop hooking up and b) quit talking and either you or him move out. I completely understand that aspect of post-breakup life. The time and effort you put into helping others is truly appreciated. At school she wasn’t giving me any attention. Your only reality is that negative experience. Sorry about the wall of text/ramble. Start pursuing your hobbies again, attend Codependent Anonymous meetings, do things that you’re passionate about. The writer recognizes that not all people with BPD will exhibit the traits listed. You might not have a clean breakup, however at the end of the day, you’re in a better spot than you were before. [iii] They point out that after a breakup, continued attempts at communication by one of the former partners might be “normal” post-breakup pursuit behavior. These days I oscillate between saying "fuck it, I'll write what I want" and "it's not worth any possible consequences". Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you. She is tired of receiving crumbs. When I read your post about post break-up behavior I really had to cringe. You might be … Think of the worst breakup you’ve had, or even seen. And it's more all that time together and all the care he gave me that made me wonder if feelings there are. Are they willing to fight for this relationship as well? This research is not much different from when the girls miss guys. Many believe that they lack empathy- and in many ways this is true. Anyway, after the suggestion of abuse I googled and counted the items in the list above. Things have calmed down significantly, but I'm still afraid of him staking me online. Second, establish a support group. You need to be strong enough to follow through with this as well. However, if they are active in therapy and making progress, one shouldn't just discount them because of their illness. The side effects of your relationship are very real, and shouldn’t be ignored. The difference between an ex who used the breakup as a large red reset button to focus on their own well-being, and the ex who attempts to juggle with loss and wavering self-esteem at your expense is the way in which they attempt to communicate with you. Now even the fact that I received so many phone calls made sense. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. You need to have a group of people who know you for you, and love you for it. I'm writing this as a resource, not as a wealth of entirely correct knowledge. Life after the aftermath is surprisingly good. For the first time in a long time, you’re free. If you feel something I've said isn't worded correctly, inform me. Chasing harder or desiring the person more have casual sex with people in, or to move on them. You in their power to make sure the kids won ’ t realize just how much damage been. You thought were your friends and family who can ’ t understand the gravity of what you re... 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